ok.........I admit it.........

I have not been a Girl Guide this month! I dropped the ball big time.....we know this we accept this. I worked out a little.....not like I have been......I ate crap.....couldve eaten more...most certainly could have eaten less....I have not been near the message boards....well I have but not like I should...and I have not been on the blogs reading and being inspired!

I gained........2 kilos in a little under 4 weeks!!! OMG I didnt realise how easy it is to put on weight...especially when I have been fighting so hard to get it off.....2 bloody kilos!! And the funny thing is....I can feel it......I know that I have. I wasnt going to get on the scales this morning. But I thought to myself...if I dont do it now, it will get worse, and I will forget I even had the ball in the first place.

I wasnt surprised......I expected it......I knew that I had.......and so I am here. I posted on WW, I am going to email my fabulous support ladies.....and let me say...fabulous is an understatement!!!!!...I heart Erin and Kase!!! I am going to drink water, make myself workout and track my food. Hopefully I can get these 2 kilos off fairly quickly and get back on track.

I am back in Aus July 1 and want to be looking like I have not been sitting on my backside since January!!! I have reports to finish, assessments to write up, uni work to complete and end of year paperwork to do....however...I am not going to use these as an excuse to not keep on with the most important thing of all. ......me......

So my blogging/ww friends......keep me honest...and I will work to do the same thing!!!!!

See me.....see wagon....see me off wagon!!!!

I dont know what has happened. I decided I would totally blow it out on my birthday and like a true addict....it hasnt stopped. I dont know what has happened!!!

I spent the weekend literally eating...no hoovering everything I could get my hands on and then some. I felt ill, especially since MEDICALLY i am not meant to eat this crap, but I ploughed on regardless! I ate things and whilst doing it watched myself do it and couldnt stop.

I have not exercised since Wednesday of last week! 7 Days!!! 7 Days with no physical movement. I told myself i would go last night, but went to Chocolate Fire instead! A chocolate restaurant owned and operated by an Aussie...so you know it is good...chocolate strawberries, chocolate EVERYTHING....chocolate PRINGLES........it was like I was in a trance just being led by my desire to eat chocolate!!!

I am teary, angry, impatient, grumpy, itchy, swollen, embarrassed and altogether not happy!! I dont know what to do........no correction.....I do know what to do.......I dont know how to do it at the moment. I feel like giving up! I feel like staying off the damn wagon.

I had some photos taken of me at the beach this weekend. You know how in your head you think you look one way.....and people say Geez sarah you have lost so much weight? Then you look at photos of yourself.....AT THE DAMN BEACH NO LESS....and realise that you are not as skinny as you thought you were and perhaps photos at the beach are not the best idea in the world???? Well that is also another reason why I feel so bloody horrible......I saw those photos and cried....why do i feel like I am getting nowhere? Why do I feel like I am fighting a losing battle???? All of my strength and willpower and motivation at the moment are somewhere between last week and never coming back!

I need to get back onto WW.....I need to get back into the workout regime....I need to reconnect with all my lovely WW email friends........I think I need help!!!!

Its MY DAY!!!!

Hello sports fans...I have been MIA ....dramas, work, exercise and all the rest have made it really busy for me.....BUT I am going to state this......

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAy!!!!!

I am turning 35........and i am a little freaked out about it....having said that...I am going to eat what I want today because once a year you should be able to!!!!! I wont whinge about it....promise.........later in the week....and once today is done I am going to bust my gut to get under 110 kilos by the end of MAY!!! That will be my present to myself!!!!

Sooooooo....to all my blogging friends out there...and my new email buddies...I promise you will all hear from me soon, but today....it is work, massage, dinner, cake, drinks, and sex....wait on........no sex.....that is in my dreams!! LOL But at least there will be cake!!!

What a week................

Phew!!! What a week!!!! I have never been so busy in all my life!!!!

Our school musical opened and closed last week! We had a week of full on rehearsals, after months and months of fairly laid back ones...I was at school every night till god knows what time....I was the Assistant Director.....we had 5 shows in 3 days and a cast of 50 kids to take care of. We did Seussical the Musical and if I may be so bold and bias....the kids were AWESOME!!! it is a really fun show and the whole time was a blast...BUT.....

Due to the late night hectic nature of the theater I didnt exercise and I ate pretty much on the run....I tried soo hard not to eat the wrong stuff and not to snack, but it is hard to do when the theater takes over. Dont get me wrong it is what I love love love to do....I just have not attempted theater and WW at the same time...its tricky!!!

Im feeling much better since the operation and today I managed a small session at the gym...not the treadmill or the pool...the actual gym. I am a little sore tonight but I think it is all going to be ok!!!

We are coming to the end of the school year here and I have to make a firm decision about my summer plans. I am worried if I travel....my son wants Disneyland.....i will not have the chance to work out regularly....if I stay here I know I will have full gym access and pool access during the working day....If i go home, well my parents are on 100 acres an hour out of Wagga so there is plenty to do to keep me active, but it would not make for an interesting summer story when I get back to work...so who knows!!! BUt I have to make my decision and fast!!! Any thoughts??

I recently read an article about the thought process and positive thinking and creative visualisation.......essentially ...your thoughts create your world.....what you think you have and become....Does anyone buy into this? Does anyone have any thoughts on this whole thing? I read "the Secret", I have been captivated by this whole idea.....I dont know if I have the patience to see it through ......Can I have what I want in life simply by visualising it??? I would love to hear what you all have to say about this topic........

Well that is all for me now...I was going to have a rant about feeling pretty crappy about being single on my 35th birthday in a few weeks....but I have decided to forget the rant and try to think positively instead!!! Fingers crossed.......

The best laid plans.....

I woke up this morning thinking...today I am going to blow it! Today I am going to eat all the chocolate I can....and I dont care!!! I think TTOTM is coming!!!

So....I arose...got dressed and headed to the MEGA MALL!!! (quite literally...that is what it is called.....MEGA MALL!!!) At the Mega Mall you can walk for hours and will not have gone very far because of all the eateries, candy stores, donut shops, cake shops, restaurants etc. I was determined to eat one of everything!!

I started walking. I remembered I needed toothpaste, shampoo and a few other sundries....the food can wait...Ill get these first.
Then I remembered I wanted digital scales. Ill eat after I get the scales. Next it was a hair cut for His Highness Master 12....the food will come after that. After the haircut we had a wander...I made a mental list of all the food I was going to eat. Then it occured to me. If I want to eat all that chocolatey deliciousness, I would have to go back to where we started and down 4 floors!!! Was the chocolate worth it?? In my heart it was...In my head.....not so much!!

So....I left MEGA MALL chocolateless and feeling a little ripped off!!! LOL So on the way home stopped at the 7/11 and picked up a few things, determined to gorge on them when i got home.

I got home and opened the brand new digital scales...ooohhh sooo shiny...and stepped on them...just to make sure they were working...and wouldnt you know it!!! I am down 800 grams!!!! So.....the chocolates were passed onto HHM12 who was very appreciative and I went to the pool for a swim!!!

Am I craving them right now?? NOPE!!!! So, the best laid plans are not necessarily the ones that come to fruition!!! I was determined to eat junk all day....the universe I think had other plans for me!!!!!

Have a great week ahead!!!!

The hardest Job in the world.....

I realise this is a weightloss blog.....but weight loss is only a part of my life...it is not my whole life!

So here goes.....

My son is 12...13 in November. He is funny, and smart and handsome and a typical boy. When he grows up he wants to be a professional skateboard rider. He is not particularly academic and he is the kind of kid who doesnt like to talk about his feelings...what teenage boy does???? He has been without a dad since he was 4, but in reality he was without a father long before he was born. His dad is not the worlds most upstanding citizen.....drugs, violence and emotional inadequacy played a role in our separation. My son was witness to police visiting the house and violent horrible arguments between his father and I. BUt i am not a victim and when he left, I put myself through uni, I got a job and I went about the business of building a life for my little family!

With my son in mind, I took a teaching position at an International School. I thought it would help me financially and it would help him have a better life. I am sure in many ways it has.

Since being here, my son has gone from finding school ok...to loathing schoool......detesting school...hating school. International Schools are rigourous academically and he is just simply giving up.

I dont know how to help him. I have tried to bribe, yell, punish, bargain, beg, cry, reason, discuss, excite, inspire...but nothing seems to work. I am writing because I recieved two emails from his teachers this morning. And I simply dont know what to do. I know many of you out there are parents and so I was hoping for a little guidance, advice, help!!!

The first one reads....

Hey Sarah,

I am really just checking in to see how Kaelum is doing. (Of course how are you too? You must be very busy right now.)

I had him in art class today and from my observation today and for the last couple of weeks, he seems:

Disinterested

Bored

Unenergetic

Low-effort

EVEN on the brink of disliking me and the art class.

I don’t take these things personally. I’m worried about him, but I also want to do the proactive thing and find out how to help him.

Can you tell me what your suggestions are?

He has made a really nice sculpture and his painting skills are refined, he just doesn’t want to give much effort right now.

HOW CAN I HELP Kaelum? Please let me know.


She is a lovely teacher and clearly has Kaelums best interest at heart.

The second one reads..

Hi Sarah,

It's good to see you back in the school and I am glad you are doing better.

I just wanted to pass you some concerns I have about Kaelum. He has showed some progress during class over the last month, but right before and after the break his performance has not been consistent. He does not bring notebook or planner to class and therefore he has not followed up on homework. We worked on a dialogue for about a month about how to order things at a Restaurant, but his final performance was poorly done. I also asked them to type script as a homework and he did not do it. I know he was a bit unstable when you were sick, but we have been working on this project for a long time.


He HATES Spanish!!!

Am I overreacting? These are not the first emails I have received from teachers. This has been an ongoing issue all year....well truth be told ...the past two years. Is this normal for 12 year old boys? Do I pack up and go home? Will he blossom in high school? Im tearing my hair out. Are my expectations too high? HELP!!!!!!

The Flow and The Sun.

When you are a fat person, you find any excuse to reward yourself with food. For example:
"If I sit in front of the computer and do some work, I will take a bowl of lollies in with me....I deserve at least that much"
"If I do all the housework, I can go and get some chocolate...after all I would have used up all that energy"

And so on and so forth.........

When you are a fat person losing weight.....you find any excuse to reward yourself....and as much as I would love to say with food at the end of that sentence...you would like to think that we fat people have learnt our lesson and are looking else where for rewards!!!

Well I have found the else where..........

After using alot of my preptime today.....stuffing around...Im not sure if many teachers do this but I certainly do!!...I have found two lovely places I want to go to. I will go to both of them as a reward for a job well done when I lose my weight!!

The first place can be found here....www.puertodelsol.com.ph a five hour drive from Manila..suits me fine cause I hate to fly...and it looks just divine! Not alot of people know about it yet...so it is nice and secret..but it looks heavenly! This is my reward for the halfway point!

The second place can be found here..flowsurfyogasamba.multiply.com a little more active than the other place. Have always wanted to learn to surf, yoga cant be that bad and I think samba lessons would be a blast! This is my reward for reaching goal weight. Again not too far to drive from Manila!

As you can see too both places are reasonably priced...both places look like they would be paradise and both places are NOT FOOD!!!!

Here is what I know.........

Here is what I know...........

It feels good to finally get back into exercise! I managed 30 minutes on the treadmill...at a very slow pace...and 15 mins in the pool.....also slowly. It is not the Olympics but it is a start.

Being back at work after a medical leave is hardcore!!! I was tired, sore, slightly nauseous..and not ready to be back.....but I am and it was nice to have so many of my students get excited to see me.

Work presents a challenge on a daily basis but I feel as though I have overcome. Here at ISM there are many great places to have lunch....the Italian place, the Japanese place, the delicious coffee place with cakes, the texmex place, the deli place...the list goes on. I would walk up and down restaurant isle wondering what to eat and would generally venture there 2 maybe 3 times a day. I walked past there today on my way to a meeting...and not once did I think about eating the food. In fact the overriding thought process was...OMG look at all the fat......progress don't you think???

I am beginning to see myself as this special person who deserves not only to be happy...but to be the best happy!! The kind of happy that other people wish they could be.......I am learning to deal with my negative thinking....I am learning to have positive thoughts..in fact after my swim last night I stood by the edge of the pool and thought....You know what sarah........you are ok!

Putting myself first is paying off. Feeling thinner and wearing clothes that didnt fit and are now starting to feels so much better than 3 Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Having people say wow you look fantastic is a much better way to start the day than Macdonalds for breakfast.

Having the support from my online community...both blogging and WW propels me to do better...drives me to be positive and lets me know I am not alone!!!

Those are the things I know so far..................

Following Debs lead!

I have been inspired to look at some brutal truths in my life after reading Debs post about her shoulda, coulda, wouldas!

It is never easy to admit that you are not doing things because of the way you look. I have taken sick days off work to avoid something because I felt fat. I have often said I wasnt feeling well...or wasnt the adventurous type.....simply because I didnt want to embarass myself!! So here is my list......here is my list at 34...nearly 35 of all the things I wish I had done...or was doing but am not because I am overweight.

I hope one day I can check them off my list as having actually done them!!!

1. I have not taken my son to Disneyland because I am afraid I wont fit on any of the rides.
2. I didnt go with my friends to swim with the dolphins because I didnt want them to see me in a bathing suit.....said I had a tummy bug...spent the weekend on the couch with chips and chocolate and dvds.
3. I avoid parties because I dont want people to stare at me when I walk into a room. I feel socially awkward because I worry people think I am too fat to be friends with.
4. I dont go on cool holidays because i dont want my photo taken.
5. I didnt participate with my son in the sports day relay because I didnt want to embarrass him. I wish I hadve.
6. I didnt get out of a bad marriage until it was almost too late because I was afraid I would never meet anyone else......that still scares me....and I blame it all on my weight!
7. I dont like to go shopping with my friends and when I do I am the one holding the bags whilst they try things on.
8. I wish I still danced! I love dancing...I was a good dancer!
9. I wish I wore nice clothes and fashionable funky stuff.....I dont! I wear what I can fit into. Being in Asia, I wish I was able to wear shorts and a tank top!
10. I wish I was more confident to voice my opinion!

So now.....here is THE list....the list of all things I will do WHEN i am down to my goal weight....all the things I will do WHEN I have no reason not too!!!

1. I WILL swim with the dolphins.
2. I WILL take my son to Disneyland and ride the rides with him...I LOVE RIDES!
3. I WILL visit the subterranean caves in Palawan here in the Philippines....they look gorgeous.
4. I WILL join my friends on a weekend away to Boracay beach and not worry about being the token FAT GIRL.
5. I WILL buy an expensive outfit from a top fashion store and wear it with pride!
6. I WILL flirt with a boy or two.....and be confident in doing it!
7. I WILL not waste my weekends on the couch...I will get out there and enjoy my son and all he has to offer...I feel like his childhood is slipping out of my hands....he is nearly 13..pretty soon he wont want to spend time with me!
8. I WILL start auditioning for roles in plays again. I miss my acting career.
9. I WILL see that blaming everything on my weight is a pointless and fruitless activity!
10. I WILL travel more and not worry about not fitting into plane seats. I would love to go to India!
11. I WILL wear shorts, tank tops, bathing suits and really cute sleepwear!!!!!!
12. I WILL cut my hair into a stylish, sexy new look.....right now I wear it long..really long....so I dont draw attention to my numerous chins!!! LOL.....
15. I WILL not lay awake at night thinking I wish, I wish, I wish!

I am sure there are many more I wishs and I wills, but for now the ones I have listed are the ones that resonate the most..........its a hard thing to do...listing all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas....but I think it would be even harder getting to the end of your obese life wishing you could go back and change things. So I accept the hard today....and promise myself that from this moment on....I will work towards a no regrets existance. I will take one day at a time to eat properly, work out sensibly, smile lots and know that I am walking....allbeit slowly....down a new, thinner and happier road!

A different me than 3 months ago!!!

Well today is my last official day off work. I am finally done with my sick leave and will be heading back to work on Monday.....and hopefully back to the gym!!!!!

Isnt it funny how things change??? Three months ago I would have looked for any excuse not to workout! I would have been happy to have had surgery....well not really...but happy to have the excuse not to do anything!!

Today is a very different story! I have been thinking about jogging, the treadmill, swimming and curves! I have been gazing longingly at the gym in my apartment building waiting for the day I can sweat again. I have been jealous of the people actually using the gym and I have been paranoid about putting on weight!!!

Isnt it strange how a little weight loss can be a huge motivator to keep going? I admit that whilst recovering from the surgery I have been thinking less about what has been going into my mouth...mainly because I have been told I need to eat to get my strength back. But all i can think about is getting back into the gym, going back to curves, getting back into the pool and figuring out a way to finally lose my arms and my belly!

It is certainly not a bad thing that I am thinking this and I am surprised by myself and my desire to do this. I went into 2010 thinking that this was my year....looks like i have been right to think that this far!!!!

I downloaded some free podcasts about learning to think positively...that is the one thing that is letting me down at the moment. I can want to workout as much as the next person, but I still have trouble controlling my negative thoughts...especially when it comes to the way that I look at the moment and the desire to meet a partner. So....I guess what I am saying is that I am doing all things possible to come out the other side of this journey, a stronger, happier, sexier, more alive Sarah!

Shhh, its a secret!

Whilst I sit at home and convalesce, I am beginning to have the strangest thoughts! But if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone! Cause if people knew I was thinking these things they may start to view me in a different light!!!

Im thinking that I am an amazing person. Im thinking I am pretty special and strong. Im thinking that finally I can conquer this weight thing!! How scary! I dont know how to be thin. I dont know how to NOT blame things on my weight! I dont know how to constantly tell myself that I am not worth it.......

How do you deal with these secretive good thoughts? How do you stand up and say you know what....I am me and I am amazing!? Well I guess what I want to know is how do you stand up and say all this without sounding like a converted up yourself wanker!?

I blame my singledome on my weight. I am in a pretty good place right now as far as accepting it....but what if my singledome doesnt change when my weight does? What do I blame then?

I blame my lack of fashion sense and always looking scraggly on my weight! What if when I have lost all of my weight I am still scraggly?!

These are the thoughts that swim in my head daily. And then I think about all I have just been through and how hard it was and if I was anyone else I would say to me....you are amazing! Im having these thoughts about myself!!!!!!

I can see that deep inside is a person who can own a room, who is funny and charming, I can see someone who can choose any man she wants to date and who is confident enough to say NO when a deadbeat comes along. I can see that the new Sarah is not ever going to settle!!!

How do I voice these thoughts out loud? How do I take them from thinks to reality? But remember.....its a secret that I am thinking this at all!! Dont tell anyone!

And the gall bladder is gone!

It has been a long time since updating! School has been keeping me busy.....school musical rehearsals have been keeping me busy and my gall bladder has been keeping me really bloody busy!!!
So I have not really been feeling well for about 12 months...truth be told. A little off colour here...a little off colour there...but generally not well. Nearly 3 weeks ago I was struck down with the most intense, amazing, debilitating pain i have ever felt. Worse than child birth, much worse. So I spent the day hunched over my desk at work, giving my students busy work to do to avoid screaming at them cause I was in so much pain.
I took myself home and layed in the fetal position on my bed for a while. I thought about going to a doctor but here in Asia that can be a gamble! I then had no choice. Friday night traffic in Manila is an abomination. Trying to get a taxi in Friday night traffic in Manila is even worse!!! Trying to get a taxi whilst you are writhing in pain and crying and feeling like you are about to die is damn near impossible! Luckily for me a nice old taxi driver took pity on me and drove me to the hospital. I fell out of the cab and into the ER......
From there much of what happened is a blur. I was diagnosed with gallstones.....23 of them to be exact.....huge ones......marble sized stones blocking the opening of the gallbladder. And i was informed surgery would be first thing in the morning.
I have never had surgery before....I was scared...so scared!!!! My son was taken to a friends house, I called my mum back in Wagga Australia to beg her to come and be here with me and then it was on.
Surgery went well.....or so we thought and I was told I would be in hospital for 3 days at the most and I would even make my ISTA trip to Perth! ISTA is the International Schools Theatre Association. I was taking 16 kids to Perth to participate in a theatre festival.
Surgery was more complicated than originally thought and I was only told this a few days ago.
The pain had not really subsided like it should, so two days after my first operation I was back in for another. Turned out a few pesky stones had escaped and were now blocking the common bial duct. So for someone who had never had an operation or a general anasthetic I was about to have two in as many days!!!
Hosptial stay.....going on 5 days!!!
Things went from bad to worse.........apparantley the gallbladder was necrotic....(Who knew how long this was going on!!!) and was imbedded into the liver, so upon surgery they had to cut away some more stuff. So as I lay in my hospital bed with drips in my arm and a drain coming out of my stomach, I also got Jaundice. I couldnt keep the contents of my stomach down and was NIL BY MOUTH for nearly 13 days! 13 days of nothing in my mouth....no water, no toothpaste, no food, no nothing. YOu can imagine how I felt vomiting bile every 30 mins and unable to do anything about cleaning the horrid acidic bile taste out of my mouth.
I was drugged with some intense pain killers and on the 8th day my oxygen levels dropped so fast I was fitted with a nasal canula and my son was rushed out of my room as the threw the bed back in an ER type move. I can only imagine how distressed he was!!!!
My drain was filling with liquid faster than they could empty it and my would was constantly leaking. It turns out there was a secondary leak somewhere, but due to the two surgeries I had just had, the doctor refused to go in for a third, saying it was too much for my body. Hence being treated "conservatively".
I missed ISTA!!!! MY kids were devestated, I was devestated and I am currently missing my spring break!
I was visited by friends, I was cared for by nurses but what I really wanted was to go home!!!!!
Here in Manila, you cannot be in a hosptial room alone, so I had to have a watcher. Someone to sit with me 24/7!!! It is a cultural thing. Everytime I rolled or moved or coughed, someone was there asking me if I was ok! It got a little too much to bear!!!!
Finally I was allowed to sit up ...stand up.....shower..and walk! I was soo weak, it was like I had to learn to walk all over again. My back was covered in the starts of bed sores cause I had not moved for 2 weeks and I was shaking, cold and scared!!!
Eventually they let me eat something, drink something, move a little more, shower on my own and finally the moment I had waited for....my drips and drain were removed!!! Painful but totally worth it!!!!!!
So here I am....at home.......after what can only be described as a hideously painful stay in hospital. The nurses were lovely, the hospital is brand new so that was lovely.....but I was not!!!!
The positives I am taking from this are.....mum is here looking after me......my NECROTIC gallbladder is gone..so maybe now most of my health issues will be too...I managed to lose 3 kilos....my son was an amazing support and really came into his own....and I am out of hospital!!!
I have been told I cant work out for 4 weeks......that is a little scary for me...but I am going to listen to what the doctors have said...mainly cause I dont want to go back to hospital!!!
I am sore...I am still nursing wounds and incisions....but I am here.......and hopefully can laugh about this whole experience later down the track!!!!
They even gave me a gall stone or two to keep for memories sake!!!

Fridays Feelings.....

Well I have spent the past few days thinking about this journey that I am on. Thinking about the people that I am encountering along the way and why....and basically doing a whole lot of thinking.

I mainly do it on the treadmill or in the pool. I figured I may as well kill two birds with one breathless stone!

In my previous post I mentioned a very close friend of mine betraying me. Well my initial instinct was to yell and scream and rant at her, but upon reflection I have decided to take the moral highground. Becoming a wild banchee doesnt solve anyones problems and will probably serve to vilify me in the long run. So I have very quietly slipped away. Away from her social circle, away from her and funnily enough away from alot of negative thinking. I am amazed at how happy and positive I have become since choosing to distance myself from her. This is not to say that I am the happiest person on the planet, but it does mean that I am not constantly scowling. Perhaps the lesson to learn here is to know when to give up.....or to know who and what is good for you and what and who isnt. Im not sure what the lesson is. I miss her......I miss having that close bond, we told each other everything.....or at least I did. But I left my husband because I couldnt trust him, because he lied to me ......I cant be around people who are deliberately untrue. I think what hurt the most is that it seemed everyone else was told the truth except me.

I still have not made a decision about my child as yet. I am just going to let it pan out on its own I think. The more I stress about things, the more I eat........its that simple.

I am feeling pretty good about where I am physically. I started interval training on the treadmill. Running and walking.......I didnt think I would get through 10 mins...I did manage however to make it to 30! That is a huge feat for me....HUGE!!!! And truth be told I am actually enjoying it. I am also managing to fit in Curves, Tae Bo dvds and the occasional lap in the pool.

I have to believe this is my year. I have to believe that things for me will improve, delight and show me that my life is not as shit as I think it is. Sure we all want certain things.......I have this feeling that now is my time to start going after them. If that means letting go of a toxic friendship or two...so be it....if that means accepting who I am for exactly who I am...so be it....hey that might even mean meeting a nice someone to share the journey of life with. For now, I think I am excatly where I need to be.

Its a Day.........

I have been doing really well these past two weeks. I admit I could have worked out a little more.......maybe eaten a little less, but at the end of the day I have still lost weight and was feeling really good. Until Monday. That is when it all went to shit and I dont quite know how I am going to pull myself out of this hole.

My son is miserable.He wanted to live with his father in the US, but that has changed now that his dad is proving himself in all the wrong ways. My son has not heard from him in a while and is not delivering on promises. I knew this would happen! I hoped it wouldnt....... We live in Manila because I thought it would be a good experience for him and it was a way to get me out of debt and away from memories that were toxic. Being a single parent in Canberra was slowly killing me. Rent, bills, work, it all started to pile up. I am happy enough in Manila. There are aspects of it that I dont enjoy but you cant have everything! I dont think about money, my job is ok and it is paying for me to do my Masters degree. My son HATES it here. He is failing school, feeling bad about himself, getting into strife and generally making it difficult for anyone to like him. He has hated Manila since day 1 but I always thought it would get better......its not. And now I dont know what to do. I have always said that parents should put their children first. If I put him first it means I would break contract and return to Australia. I am not ready to do that. But if I have to for his sake I will. My parents live in rural NSW and that is what my son loves. He wants to be back on the farm with grandma!!! Do I ask my mother to take him for 6 months? Do I pack up and leave because it is the best thing for him? Im sooo torn. As a result I have not done any excersise for two days and today I had six small easter eggs! I know it doesnt sound like much but when it comes to food I am like an alcoholic....drug addict...just one is enough to put me over the edge!!!

Then..........I find out that my closest friend has been lying to me for the past month. She met a guy....a real loser. I mean the biggest drop kick on the planet kinda guy. She, like me is a big girl who struggles with self esteem. She however doesnt appear to be ready to take the bull by the horns so to speak.....so she meets a Filipino guy who clearly is interested in his meal ticket. Within 2 months they were living together...he had moved up from his shack in the dirt...LITERALLY...to her penthouse apartment on the 41st floor....LITERALLY! He doesnt earn much money..bear with me cause I sound terribly shallow.....and contributes nothing positive to her life. He works nights...gets home at 2 am and then they go out drinking....we start work at 7 in the morning. She lives on 1 hours sleep and ends up falling asleep under her desk at work whilst her teaching assistant does her job. NOW...if you love someone you see past the faults......she tells me time and time again she doesnt love him. He is literally sucking her dry!!!! To top it all off she found out he has given her Herpes.......nice guy!!!
I urged, begged and pleaded for her to get rid of him...and she finally did. Told me the whole story in amazing detail....I was so proud of her and told our close circle of friends how good it was she was finally able to look after herself. Seems she was lying. He is still living there with her and they are still together. ANd not only that .....everyone knew this but it has been kept from me. So I have been wandering around school for the past month quite literally being kept in the dark. Why? I feel betrayed, I feel humiliated, I feel embarrassed. I feel incredibly lonely. She was the closest person in the world to me.

She doesnt know I know. I am too angry and hurt to speak about it. She knows something is wrong because she keeps asking me if I am ok. I cant bring myself to talk to her about it yet. I fear I might hit her. LITERALLY. ANd so again I am finding myself sitting on my bed, not in the gym and eating! I guess I can see when I get emotional I eat. I dont know what to do about either situation. I thought posting here might help. I am forcing myself to the gym this afternoon. I also want to get into the pool and do some laps. I find swimming surprisingly calming.

Just a rant. Im a ball of confusion at the moment and really at the end of the day...feeling fatter than ever!!!!

Feeling like a little me time.

I am the mother of a pre teen. My son is 12 and I have been a single mum since he was born. Well it has felt that way. His father and I separated when he was 4, but before that, dad was never very hands on. So really I have raised my son.

He is a nice kid. Very kind, caring, sensetive...all that kind of stuff. He is also a right little S)#*!!!! Recently he saw his father. He hasnt seen his father since he was 4. And now.....for whatever reason he wants to live with his dad. Dad lives in the US. And I am torn.

Part of me wants to hold onto to him so tight and never ever let him go and tell him he is not going anywhere and doesnt he see all I have done for him and sacrificed over the years.

Part of me wants him to go.....Part of me wants me time. Wants to be alone to find me again. On this journey that I am having ...the weight loss the self love, part of me doesnt know if there is a place for a child at the moment.

I feel guilty for feeling this. I feel like such a bad mother. I feel like I should only have feelings of please dont go. I guess I dont know what to feel....or even more importantly what to do. I dont want my son to hate me...I dont want him to resent me....I dont want to miss out on important milestones...his first girlfriend, entry into High School....but I dont want him to become a man without a man around....I also dont want him to become a man like his dad.

I dont know what to do......is me time really that important anyways>???

As the day you were born.

I am a magician! I have mastered the disappearing act. I can change, shower, dress and leave the house all without once looking at my body. It's incredible! Sure I look at my face to brush my hair and apply make up, but I can make my entire body disappear. I have often thought about taking my act on the road! The newest headliner in Vegas!!!

The trick to the magic?? Well I strategically place myself where I cant ever see a full length mirror. Climbing into the shower is always sideways and twisted, because there is a mirror right next to the shower! The genius who designed my bathroom was obviously skinny! When towelling off, I have my back to the mirror and head down. When dressing, I move to the far corner of the bedroom where I cant see myself. A magician never reveals their secrets, but on this occasion I felt I needed to! I go to alot of effort NOT to look at myself.

But I thought last night....after my 3rd episode of CSI.....can you tell I love it!!! If I go to all that effort NOT to look at myself, I wonder how I would feel if I went to the same kind of effort to ACTUALLY look at myself. So........I turned the lights off and lit candles...gotta make sure you have good lighting! I locked the door. And slowly I stood in front of the full length mirror. I tried to do it without any feeling. No yucks, no oh my god that is gross, nothing but looking. It was hard. But I stood and I looked. I removed my clothes and I looked harder. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I cried. I cried for myself and for my body and for the stretch marks and for the cellulite and for all the parts I ahve not looked at for so long.

I then told myself to stop crying. Its my body. If I dont love it in this state, then I will never love it. If you can love something at its worst, then you know you can most certainly love....adore...it at its best. I cant tell you that I love my body at the moment. BUt I can tell you that I began to see it differently last night.

So here is where I hang my hat on my fabulous career as a Magician......no more disappearing act for me. Acceptance is the road I am starting to walk down now. Who knows, maybe I will be a headliner in Vegas yet..but for the right reasons.

What I am discovering.

I have often thought that all I really wanted was to get married. Find that certain someone and be swept off my feet. I think romantic comedies have destroyed reality for us women. We all what what Jennifer Aniston or Meg Ryan get just before the credits roll....funny that both of them are still single in real life!

I have had a number of boyfriends. Im sure we all have. Some have broken my heart, perhaps I broke one or two of theirs. I have been single for a while.....and it was not ok with me. Recently someone came into my life and left again. That was not ok with me. But here is what happened.

A month ago I joined Weight Watchers, to once and for all shed the pounds, lose the but, diminish the tuckshop lady arms. I discovered the message boards and realised there was a huge support network out there full of people just like me. Fighting the battle that I am fighting, hoping to God that eventually we all win the war! I posted on the message boards that I was upset that this person chose to end it with me the way they did. The response was overwhelming...messages of encouragement, messages of support, and messages of "he doesnt deserve you". I never quite understood the phrase 'he doesnt deserve you'. I got it, but when it came to myself I never quite understood it. Surely he is the best I can get? I am a fat girl! Men dont love fat girls. Take it while it is on offer you may never get another chance.

I challenged myself. For two days I would try to find the good things about being single. I would try to be happy with just me. I would make the effort not to think about how much better life would be with a man on my arm. I am three days into a two day challenge. I have realised these things:

*Watching back to back episodes of CSI with noone to complain about it is bliss!
*Discovering 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and not having to justify the prive to anyone is marvelous!
*Discovering how sexy I felt laying between the 400 thread count sheets in my queen sized bed is even more marvelous!
*Cooking a Weight Watchers recipe and not having to leave ingredients out because someone doesnt like them is delicious!
*Singing loudly to show tunes in the shower and not have someone turn the music off is showstopping!
*Falling in love with myself is slightly scary but Im beginning to see how much better this kind of love is.

I have a long way to go. Emotionally, physically and even spiritually. But I have learnt this. One day I am sure I will get married. I will have the kind of marriage that I have always wanted...not to mention the kind of wedding dress I have always wanted. But until that day comes, I will know I deserve the best. I will know how to love myself and I will know that being me is such a great thing!

The Inagural.

Well here it is! The inagural post. I have not been particularly good at journalling or keeping a diary in the past. I start off really well and then it fades away after the excitment dies down. I guess that is how most of my life is really. But more importantly that is how my weightloss journey has been. I start off ready willing and able, and when the excitment wears off, I become lax, lazy and bored.

Well welcome to the new me!!! Something clicked, something happened. I think the honest truth is I got pissed off! I have had enough of looking at a fat behind, I have had enough of knowing I should not be eating certain things but do it anyway and I have had enough of knowing there is a fabulously talented, smart, funny, charming individual inside me screaming to come out. For far too long the comfort of the fat girl has been dominant. I could blame everything that ever happened to me on being fat. And it was reason enough to stay fat. Because then I was not accountable.

Today.... I want to be accountable. I want to know that when I achieve something it is because I deserve it and not because I think people feel sorry for the fat girl. I am a dreamer and have big ones. I want to live in Las Vegas and work as a performer. I want to get back onto the stage and do what I know I do best. I want to know that I have given it my all and not made excuses day in day out. Im ready...Im scared....Im nervous....Im willing to learn from mistakes...but I am ready.