Fridays Feelings.....

Well I have spent the past few days thinking about this journey that I am on. Thinking about the people that I am encountering along the way and why....and basically doing a whole lot of thinking.

I mainly do it on the treadmill or in the pool. I figured I may as well kill two birds with one breathless stone!

In my previous post I mentioned a very close friend of mine betraying me. Well my initial instinct was to yell and scream and rant at her, but upon reflection I have decided to take the moral highground. Becoming a wild banchee doesnt solve anyones problems and will probably serve to vilify me in the long run. So I have very quietly slipped away. Away from her social circle, away from her and funnily enough away from alot of negative thinking. I am amazed at how happy and positive I have become since choosing to distance myself from her. This is not to say that I am the happiest person on the planet, but it does mean that I am not constantly scowling. Perhaps the lesson to learn here is to know when to give up.....or to know who and what is good for you and what and who isnt. Im not sure what the lesson is. I miss her......I miss having that close bond, we told each other everything.....or at least I did. But I left my husband because I couldnt trust him, because he lied to me ......I cant be around people who are deliberately untrue. I think what hurt the most is that it seemed everyone else was told the truth except me.

I still have not made a decision about my child as yet. I am just going to let it pan out on its own I think. The more I stress about things, the more I eat........its that simple.

I am feeling pretty good about where I am physically. I started interval training on the treadmill. Running and walking.......I didnt think I would get through 10 mins...I did manage however to make it to 30! That is a huge feat for me....HUGE!!!! And truth be told I am actually enjoying it. I am also managing to fit in Curves, Tae Bo dvds and the occasional lap in the pool.

I have to believe this is my year. I have to believe that things for me will improve, delight and show me that my life is not as shit as I think it is. Sure we all want certain things.......I have this feeling that now is my time to start going after them. If that means letting go of a toxic friendship or two...so be it....if that means accepting who I am for exactly who I am...so be it....hey that might even mean meeting a nice someone to share the journey of life with. For now, I think I am excatly where I need to be.

Its a Day.........

I have been doing really well these past two weeks. I admit I could have worked out a little more.......maybe eaten a little less, but at the end of the day I have still lost weight and was feeling really good. Until Monday. That is when it all went to shit and I dont quite know how I am going to pull myself out of this hole.

My son is miserable.He wanted to live with his father in the US, but that has changed now that his dad is proving himself in all the wrong ways. My son has not heard from him in a while and is not delivering on promises. I knew this would happen! I hoped it wouldnt....... We live in Manila because I thought it would be a good experience for him and it was a way to get me out of debt and away from memories that were toxic. Being a single parent in Canberra was slowly killing me. Rent, bills, work, it all started to pile up. I am happy enough in Manila. There are aspects of it that I dont enjoy but you cant have everything! I dont think about money, my job is ok and it is paying for me to do my Masters degree. My son HATES it here. He is failing school, feeling bad about himself, getting into strife and generally making it difficult for anyone to like him. He has hated Manila since day 1 but I always thought it would get better......its not. And now I dont know what to do. I have always said that parents should put their children first. If I put him first it means I would break contract and return to Australia. I am not ready to do that. But if I have to for his sake I will. My parents live in rural NSW and that is what my son loves. He wants to be back on the farm with grandma!!! Do I ask my mother to take him for 6 months? Do I pack up and leave because it is the best thing for him? Im sooo torn. As a result I have not done any excersise for two days and today I had six small easter eggs! I know it doesnt sound like much but when it comes to food I am like an alcoholic....drug addict...just one is enough to put me over the edge!!!

Then..........I find out that my closest friend has been lying to me for the past month. She met a guy....a real loser. I mean the biggest drop kick on the planet kinda guy. She, like me is a big girl who struggles with self esteem. She however doesnt appear to be ready to take the bull by the horns so to speak.....so she meets a Filipino guy who clearly is interested in his meal ticket. Within 2 months they were living together...he had moved up from his shack in the dirt...LITERALLY...to her penthouse apartment on the 41st floor....LITERALLY! He doesnt earn much money..bear with me cause I sound terribly shallow.....and contributes nothing positive to her life. He works nights...gets home at 2 am and then they go out drinking....we start work at 7 in the morning. She lives on 1 hours sleep and ends up falling asleep under her desk at work whilst her teaching assistant does her job. NOW...if you love someone you see past the faults......she tells me time and time again she doesnt love him. He is literally sucking her dry!!!! To top it all off she found out he has given her Herpes.......nice guy!!!
I urged, begged and pleaded for her to get rid of him...and she finally did. Told me the whole story in amazing detail....I was so proud of her and told our close circle of friends how good it was she was finally able to look after herself. Seems she was lying. He is still living there with her and they are still together. ANd not only that .....everyone knew this but it has been kept from me. So I have been wandering around school for the past month quite literally being kept in the dark. Why? I feel betrayed, I feel humiliated, I feel embarrassed. I feel incredibly lonely. She was the closest person in the world to me.

She doesnt know I know. I am too angry and hurt to speak about it. She knows something is wrong because she keeps asking me if I am ok. I cant bring myself to talk to her about it yet. I fear I might hit her. LITERALLY. ANd so again I am finding myself sitting on my bed, not in the gym and eating! I guess I can see when I get emotional I eat. I dont know what to do about either situation. I thought posting here might help. I am forcing myself to the gym this afternoon. I also want to get into the pool and do some laps. I find swimming surprisingly calming.

Just a rant. Im a ball of confusion at the moment and really at the end of the day...feeling fatter than ever!!!!

Feeling like a little me time.

I am the mother of a pre teen. My son is 12 and I have been a single mum since he was born. Well it has felt that way. His father and I separated when he was 4, but before that, dad was never very hands on. So really I have raised my son.

He is a nice kid. Very kind, caring, sensetive...all that kind of stuff. He is also a right little S)#*!!!! Recently he saw his father. He hasnt seen his father since he was 4. And now.....for whatever reason he wants to live with his dad. Dad lives in the US. And I am torn.

Part of me wants to hold onto to him so tight and never ever let him go and tell him he is not going anywhere and doesnt he see all I have done for him and sacrificed over the years.

Part of me wants him to go.....Part of me wants me time. Wants to be alone to find me again. On this journey that I am having ...the weight loss the self love, part of me doesnt know if there is a place for a child at the moment.

I feel guilty for feeling this. I feel like such a bad mother. I feel like I should only have feelings of please dont go. I guess I dont know what to feel....or even more importantly what to do. I dont want my son to hate me...I dont want him to resent me....I dont want to miss out on important milestones...his first girlfriend, entry into High School....but I dont want him to become a man without a man around....I also dont want him to become a man like his dad.

I dont know what to do......is me time really that important anyways>???

As the day you were born.

I am a magician! I have mastered the disappearing act. I can change, shower, dress and leave the house all without once looking at my body. It's incredible! Sure I look at my face to brush my hair and apply make up, but I can make my entire body disappear. I have often thought about taking my act on the road! The newest headliner in Vegas!!!

The trick to the magic?? Well I strategically place myself where I cant ever see a full length mirror. Climbing into the shower is always sideways and twisted, because there is a mirror right next to the shower! The genius who designed my bathroom was obviously skinny! When towelling off, I have my back to the mirror and head down. When dressing, I move to the far corner of the bedroom where I cant see myself. A magician never reveals their secrets, but on this occasion I felt I needed to! I go to alot of effort NOT to look at myself.

But I thought last night....after my 3rd episode of CSI.....can you tell I love it!!! If I go to all that effort NOT to look at myself, I wonder how I would feel if I went to the same kind of effort to ACTUALLY look at myself. So........I turned the lights off and lit candles...gotta make sure you have good lighting! I locked the door. And slowly I stood in front of the full length mirror. I tried to do it without any feeling. No yucks, no oh my god that is gross, nothing but looking. It was hard. But I stood and I looked. I removed my clothes and I looked harder. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I cried. I cried for myself and for my body and for the stretch marks and for the cellulite and for all the parts I ahve not looked at for so long.

I then told myself to stop crying. Its my body. If I dont love it in this state, then I will never love it. If you can love something at its worst, then you know you can most certainly love....adore...it at its best. I cant tell you that I love my body at the moment. BUt I can tell you that I began to see it differently last night.

So here is where I hang my hat on my fabulous career as a Magician......no more disappearing act for me. Acceptance is the road I am starting to walk down now. Who knows, maybe I will be a headliner in Vegas yet..but for the right reasons.

What I am discovering.

I have often thought that all I really wanted was to get married. Find that certain someone and be swept off my feet. I think romantic comedies have destroyed reality for us women. We all what what Jennifer Aniston or Meg Ryan get just before the credits roll....funny that both of them are still single in real life!

I have had a number of boyfriends. Im sure we all have. Some have broken my heart, perhaps I broke one or two of theirs. I have been single for a while.....and it was not ok with me. Recently someone came into my life and left again. That was not ok with me. But here is what happened.

A month ago I joined Weight Watchers, to once and for all shed the pounds, lose the but, diminish the tuckshop lady arms. I discovered the message boards and realised there was a huge support network out there full of people just like me. Fighting the battle that I am fighting, hoping to God that eventually we all win the war! I posted on the message boards that I was upset that this person chose to end it with me the way they did. The response was overwhelming...messages of encouragement, messages of support, and messages of "he doesnt deserve you". I never quite understood the phrase 'he doesnt deserve you'. I got it, but when it came to myself I never quite understood it. Surely he is the best I can get? I am a fat girl! Men dont love fat girls. Take it while it is on offer you may never get another chance.

I challenged myself. For two days I would try to find the good things about being single. I would try to be happy with just me. I would make the effort not to think about how much better life would be with a man on my arm. I am three days into a two day challenge. I have realised these things:

*Watching back to back episodes of CSI with noone to complain about it is bliss!
*Discovering 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and not having to justify the prive to anyone is marvelous!
*Discovering how sexy I felt laying between the 400 thread count sheets in my queen sized bed is even more marvelous!
*Cooking a Weight Watchers recipe and not having to leave ingredients out because someone doesnt like them is delicious!
*Singing loudly to show tunes in the shower and not have someone turn the music off is showstopping!
*Falling in love with myself is slightly scary but Im beginning to see how much better this kind of love is.

I have a long way to go. Emotionally, physically and even spiritually. But I have learnt this. One day I am sure I will get married. I will have the kind of marriage that I have always wanted...not to mention the kind of wedding dress I have always wanted. But until that day comes, I will know I deserve the best. I will know how to love myself and I will know that being me is such a great thing!

The Inagural.

Well here it is! The inagural post. I have not been particularly good at journalling or keeping a diary in the past. I start off really well and then it fades away after the excitment dies down. I guess that is how most of my life is really. But more importantly that is how my weightloss journey has been. I start off ready willing and able, and when the excitment wears off, I become lax, lazy and bored.

Well welcome to the new me!!! Something clicked, something happened. I think the honest truth is I got pissed off! I have had enough of looking at a fat behind, I have had enough of knowing I should not be eating certain things but do it anyway and I have had enough of knowing there is a fabulously talented, smart, funny, charming individual inside me screaming to come out. For far too long the comfort of the fat girl has been dominant. I could blame everything that ever happened to me on being fat. And it was reason enough to stay fat. Because then I was not accountable.

Today.... I want to be accountable. I want to know that when I achieve something it is because I deserve it and not because I think people feel sorry for the fat girl. I am a dreamer and have big ones. I want to live in Las Vegas and work as a performer. I want to get back onto the stage and do what I know I do best. I want to know that I have given it my all and not made excuses day in day out. Im ready...Im scared....Im nervous....Im willing to learn from mistakes...but I am ready.