What a week................

Phew!!! What a week!!!! I have never been so busy in all my life!!!!

Our school musical opened and closed last week! We had a week of full on rehearsals, after months and months of fairly laid back ones...I was at school every night till god knows what time....I was the Assistant Director.....we had 5 shows in 3 days and a cast of 50 kids to take care of. We did Seussical the Musical and if I may be so bold and bias....the kids were AWESOME!!! it is a really fun show and the whole time was a blast...BUT.....

Due to the late night hectic nature of the theater I didnt exercise and I ate pretty much on the run....I tried soo hard not to eat the wrong stuff and not to snack, but it is hard to do when the theater takes over. Dont get me wrong it is what I love love love to do....I just have not attempted theater and WW at the same time...its tricky!!!

Im feeling much better since the operation and today I managed a small session at the gym...not the treadmill or the pool...the actual gym. I am a little sore tonight but I think it is all going to be ok!!!

We are coming to the end of the school year here and I have to make a firm decision about my summer plans. I am worried if I travel....my son wants Disneyland.....i will not have the chance to work out regularly....if I stay here I know I will have full gym access and pool access during the working day....If i go home, well my parents are on 100 acres an hour out of Wagga so there is plenty to do to keep me active, but it would not make for an interesting summer story when I get back to work...so who knows!!! BUt I have to make my decision and fast!!! Any thoughts??

I recently read an article about the thought process and positive thinking and creative visualisation.......essentially ...your thoughts create your world.....what you think you have and become....Does anyone buy into this? Does anyone have any thoughts on this whole thing? I read "the Secret", I have been captivated by this whole idea.....I dont know if I have the patience to see it through ......Can I have what I want in life simply by visualising it??? I would love to hear what you all have to say about this topic........

Well that is all for me now...I was going to have a rant about feeling pretty crappy about being single on my 35th birthday in a few weeks....but I have decided to forget the rant and try to think positively instead!!! Fingers crossed.......

The best laid plans.....

I woke up this morning thinking...today I am going to blow it! Today I am going to eat all the chocolate I can....and I dont care!!! I think TTOTM is coming!!!

So....I arose...got dressed and headed to the MEGA MALL!!! (quite literally...that is what it is called.....MEGA MALL!!!) At the Mega Mall you can walk for hours and will not have gone very far because of all the eateries, candy stores, donut shops, cake shops, restaurants etc. I was determined to eat one of everything!!

I started walking. I remembered I needed toothpaste, shampoo and a few other sundries....the food can wait...Ill get these first.
Then I remembered I wanted digital scales. Ill eat after I get the scales. Next it was a hair cut for His Highness Master 12....the food will come after that. After the haircut we had a wander...I made a mental list of all the food I was going to eat. Then it occured to me. If I want to eat all that chocolatey deliciousness, I would have to go back to where we started and down 4 floors!!! Was the chocolate worth it?? In my heart it was...In my head.....not so much!!

So....I left MEGA MALL chocolateless and feeling a little ripped off!!! LOL So on the way home stopped at the 7/11 and picked up a few things, determined to gorge on them when i got home.

I got home and opened the brand new digital scales...ooohhh sooo shiny...and stepped on them...just to make sure they were working...and wouldnt you know it!!! I am down 800 grams!!!! So.....the chocolates were passed onto HHM12 who was very appreciative and I went to the pool for a swim!!!

Am I craving them right now?? NOPE!!!! So, the best laid plans are not necessarily the ones that come to fruition!!! I was determined to eat junk all day....the universe I think had other plans for me!!!!!

Have a great week ahead!!!!

The hardest Job in the world.....

I realise this is a weightloss blog.....but weight loss is only a part of my life...it is not my whole life!

So here goes.....

My son is 12...13 in November. He is funny, and smart and handsome and a typical boy. When he grows up he wants to be a professional skateboard rider. He is not particularly academic and he is the kind of kid who doesnt like to talk about his feelings...what teenage boy does???? He has been without a dad since he was 4, but in reality he was without a father long before he was born. His dad is not the worlds most upstanding citizen.....drugs, violence and emotional inadequacy played a role in our separation. My son was witness to police visiting the house and violent horrible arguments between his father and I. BUt i am not a victim and when he left, I put myself through uni, I got a job and I went about the business of building a life for my little family!

With my son in mind, I took a teaching position at an International School. I thought it would help me financially and it would help him have a better life. I am sure in many ways it has.

Since being here, my son has gone from finding school ok...to loathing schoool......detesting school...hating school. International Schools are rigourous academically and he is just simply giving up.

I dont know how to help him. I have tried to bribe, yell, punish, bargain, beg, cry, reason, discuss, excite, inspire...but nothing seems to work. I am writing because I recieved two emails from his teachers this morning. And I simply dont know what to do. I know many of you out there are parents and so I was hoping for a little guidance, advice, help!!!

The first one reads....

Hey Sarah,

I am really just checking in to see how Kaelum is doing. (Of course how are you too? You must be very busy right now.)

I had him in art class today and from my observation today and for the last couple of weeks, he seems:

Disinterested

Bored

Unenergetic

Low-effort

EVEN on the brink of disliking me and the art class.

I don’t take these things personally. I’m worried about him, but I also want to do the proactive thing and find out how to help him.

Can you tell me what your suggestions are?

He has made a really nice sculpture and his painting skills are refined, he just doesn’t want to give much effort right now.

HOW CAN I HELP Kaelum? Please let me know.


She is a lovely teacher and clearly has Kaelums best interest at heart.

The second one reads..

Hi Sarah,

It's good to see you back in the school and I am glad you are doing better.

I just wanted to pass you some concerns I have about Kaelum. He has showed some progress during class over the last month, but right before and after the break his performance has not been consistent. He does not bring notebook or planner to class and therefore he has not followed up on homework. We worked on a dialogue for about a month about how to order things at a Restaurant, but his final performance was poorly done. I also asked them to type script as a homework and he did not do it. I know he was a bit unstable when you were sick, but we have been working on this project for a long time.


He HATES Spanish!!!

Am I overreacting? These are not the first emails I have received from teachers. This has been an ongoing issue all year....well truth be told ...the past two years. Is this normal for 12 year old boys? Do I pack up and go home? Will he blossom in high school? Im tearing my hair out. Are my expectations too high? HELP!!!!!!

The Flow and The Sun.

When you are a fat person, you find any excuse to reward yourself with food. For example:
"If I sit in front of the computer and do some work, I will take a bowl of lollies in with me....I deserve at least that much"
"If I do all the housework, I can go and get some chocolate...after all I would have used up all that energy"

And so on and so forth.........

When you are a fat person losing weight.....you find any excuse to reward yourself....and as much as I would love to say with food at the end of that sentence...you would like to think that we fat people have learnt our lesson and are looking else where for rewards!!!

Well I have found the else where..........

After using alot of my preptime today.....stuffing around...Im not sure if many teachers do this but I certainly do!!...I have found two lovely places I want to go to. I will go to both of them as a reward for a job well done when I lose my weight!!

The first place can be found here....www.puertodelsol.com.ph a five hour drive from Manila..suits me fine cause I hate to fly...and it looks just divine! Not alot of people know about it yet...so it is nice and secret..but it looks heavenly! This is my reward for the halfway point!

The second place can be found here..flowsurfyogasamba.multiply.com a little more active than the other place. Have always wanted to learn to surf, yoga cant be that bad and I think samba lessons would be a blast! This is my reward for reaching goal weight. Again not too far to drive from Manila!

As you can see too both places are reasonably priced...both places look like they would be paradise and both places are NOT FOOD!!!!

Here is what I know.........

Here is what I know...........

It feels good to finally get back into exercise! I managed 30 minutes on the treadmill...at a very slow pace...and 15 mins in the pool.....also slowly. It is not the Olympics but it is a start.

Being back at work after a medical leave is hardcore!!! I was tired, sore, slightly nauseous..and not ready to be back.....but I am and it was nice to have so many of my students get excited to see me.

Work presents a challenge on a daily basis but I feel as though I have overcome. Here at ISM there are many great places to have lunch....the Italian place, the Japanese place, the delicious coffee place with cakes, the texmex place, the deli place...the list goes on. I would walk up and down restaurant isle wondering what to eat and would generally venture there 2 maybe 3 times a day. I walked past there today on my way to a meeting...and not once did I think about eating the food. In fact the overriding thought process was...OMG look at all the fat......progress don't you think???

I am beginning to see myself as this special person who deserves not only to be happy...but to be the best happy!! The kind of happy that other people wish they could be.......I am learning to deal with my negative thinking....I am learning to have positive thoughts..in fact after my swim last night I stood by the edge of the pool and thought....You know what sarah........you are ok!

Putting myself first is paying off. Feeling thinner and wearing clothes that didnt fit and are now starting to feels so much better than 3 Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Having people say wow you look fantastic is a much better way to start the day than Macdonalds for breakfast.

Having the support from my online community...both blogging and WW propels me to do better...drives me to be positive and lets me know I am not alone!!!

Those are the things I know so far..................

Following Debs lead!

I have been inspired to look at some brutal truths in my life after reading Debs post about her shoulda, coulda, wouldas!

It is never easy to admit that you are not doing things because of the way you look. I have taken sick days off work to avoid something because I felt fat. I have often said I wasnt feeling well...or wasnt the adventurous type.....simply because I didnt want to embarass myself!! So here is my list......here is my list at 34...nearly 35 of all the things I wish I had done...or was doing but am not because I am overweight.

I hope one day I can check them off my list as having actually done them!!!

1. I have not taken my son to Disneyland because I am afraid I wont fit on any of the rides.
2. I didnt go with my friends to swim with the dolphins because I didnt want them to see me in a bathing suit.....said I had a tummy bug...spent the weekend on the couch with chips and chocolate and dvds.
3. I avoid parties because I dont want people to stare at me when I walk into a room. I feel socially awkward because I worry people think I am too fat to be friends with.
4. I dont go on cool holidays because i dont want my photo taken.
5. I didnt participate with my son in the sports day relay because I didnt want to embarrass him. I wish I hadve.
6. I didnt get out of a bad marriage until it was almost too late because I was afraid I would never meet anyone else......that still scares me....and I blame it all on my weight!
7. I dont like to go shopping with my friends and when I do I am the one holding the bags whilst they try things on.
8. I wish I still danced! I love dancing...I was a good dancer!
9. I wish I wore nice clothes and fashionable funky stuff.....I dont! I wear what I can fit into. Being in Asia, I wish I was able to wear shorts and a tank top!
10. I wish I was more confident to voice my opinion!

So now.....here is THE list....the list of all things I will do WHEN i am down to my goal weight....all the things I will do WHEN I have no reason not too!!!

1. I WILL swim with the dolphins.
2. I WILL take my son to Disneyland and ride the rides with him...I LOVE RIDES!
3. I WILL visit the subterranean caves in Palawan here in the Philippines....they look gorgeous.
4. I WILL join my friends on a weekend away to Boracay beach and not worry about being the token FAT GIRL.
5. I WILL buy an expensive outfit from a top fashion store and wear it with pride!
6. I WILL flirt with a boy or two.....and be confident in doing it!
7. I WILL not waste my weekends on the couch...I will get out there and enjoy my son and all he has to offer...I feel like his childhood is slipping out of my hands....he is nearly 13..pretty soon he wont want to spend time with me!
8. I WILL start auditioning for roles in plays again. I miss my acting career.
9. I WILL see that blaming everything on my weight is a pointless and fruitless activity!
10. I WILL travel more and not worry about not fitting into plane seats. I would love to go to India!
11. I WILL wear shorts, tank tops, bathing suits and really cute sleepwear!!!!!!
12. I WILL cut my hair into a stylish, sexy new look.....right now I wear it long..really long....so I dont draw attention to my numerous chins!!! LOL.....
15. I WILL not lay awake at night thinking I wish, I wish, I wish!

I am sure there are many more I wishs and I wills, but for now the ones I have listed are the ones that resonate the most..........its a hard thing to do...listing all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas....but I think it would be even harder getting to the end of your obese life wishing you could go back and change things. So I accept the hard today....and promise myself that from this moment on....I will work towards a no regrets existance. I will take one day at a time to eat properly, work out sensibly, smile lots and know that I am walking....allbeit slowly....down a new, thinner and happier road!

A different me than 3 months ago!!!

Well today is my last official day off work. I am finally done with my sick leave and will be heading back to work on Monday.....and hopefully back to the gym!!!!!

Isnt it funny how things change??? Three months ago I would have looked for any excuse not to workout! I would have been happy to have had surgery....well not really...but happy to have the excuse not to do anything!!

Today is a very different story! I have been thinking about jogging, the treadmill, swimming and curves! I have been gazing longingly at the gym in my apartment building waiting for the day I can sweat again. I have been jealous of the people actually using the gym and I have been paranoid about putting on weight!!!

Isnt it strange how a little weight loss can be a huge motivator to keep going? I admit that whilst recovering from the surgery I have been thinking less about what has been going into my mouth...mainly because I have been told I need to eat to get my strength back. But all i can think about is getting back into the gym, going back to curves, getting back into the pool and figuring out a way to finally lose my arms and my belly!

It is certainly not a bad thing that I am thinking this and I am surprised by myself and my desire to do this. I went into 2010 thinking that this was my year....looks like i have been right to think that this far!!!!

I downloaded some free podcasts about learning to think positively...that is the one thing that is letting me down at the moment. I can want to workout as much as the next person, but I still have trouble controlling my negative thoughts...especially when it comes to the way that I look at the moment and the desire to meet a partner. So....I guess what I am saying is that I am doing all things possible to come out the other side of this journey, a stronger, happier, sexier, more alive Sarah!

Shhh, its a secret!

Whilst I sit at home and convalesce, I am beginning to have the strangest thoughts! But if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone! Cause if people knew I was thinking these things they may start to view me in a different light!!!

Im thinking that I am an amazing person. Im thinking I am pretty special and strong. Im thinking that finally I can conquer this weight thing!! How scary! I dont know how to be thin. I dont know how to NOT blame things on my weight! I dont know how to constantly tell myself that I am not worth it.......

How do you deal with these secretive good thoughts? How do you stand up and say you know what....I am me and I am amazing!? Well I guess what I want to know is how do you stand up and say all this without sounding like a converted up yourself wanker!?

I blame my singledome on my weight. I am in a pretty good place right now as far as accepting it....but what if my singledome doesnt change when my weight does? What do I blame then?

I blame my lack of fashion sense and always looking scraggly on my weight! What if when I have lost all of my weight I am still scraggly?!

These are the thoughts that swim in my head daily. And then I think about all I have just been through and how hard it was and if I was anyone else I would say to me....you are amazing! Im having these thoughts about myself!!!!!!

I can see that deep inside is a person who can own a room, who is funny and charming, I can see someone who can choose any man she wants to date and who is confident enough to say NO when a deadbeat comes along. I can see that the new Sarah is not ever going to settle!!!

How do I voice these thoughts out loud? How do I take them from thinks to reality? But remember.....its a secret that I am thinking this at all!! Dont tell anyone!