Its a Day.........

I have been doing really well these past two weeks. I admit I could have worked out a little more.......maybe eaten a little less, but at the end of the day I have still lost weight and was feeling really good. Until Monday. That is when it all went to shit and I dont quite know how I am going to pull myself out of this hole.

My son is miserable.He wanted to live with his father in the US, but that has changed now that his dad is proving himself in all the wrong ways. My son has not heard from him in a while and is not delivering on promises. I knew this would happen! I hoped it wouldnt....... We live in Manila because I thought it would be a good experience for him and it was a way to get me out of debt and away from memories that were toxic. Being a single parent in Canberra was slowly killing me. Rent, bills, work, it all started to pile up. I am happy enough in Manila. There are aspects of it that I dont enjoy but you cant have everything! I dont think about money, my job is ok and it is paying for me to do my Masters degree. My son HATES it here. He is failing school, feeling bad about himself, getting into strife and generally making it difficult for anyone to like him. He has hated Manila since day 1 but I always thought it would get better......its not. And now I dont know what to do. I have always said that parents should put their children first. If I put him first it means I would break contract and return to Australia. I am not ready to do that. But if I have to for his sake I will. My parents live in rural NSW and that is what my son loves. He wants to be back on the farm with grandma!!! Do I ask my mother to take him for 6 months? Do I pack up and leave because it is the best thing for him? Im sooo torn. As a result I have not done any excersise for two days and today I had six small easter eggs! I know it doesnt sound like much but when it comes to food I am like an alcoholic....drug addict...just one is enough to put me over the edge!!!

Then..........I find out that my closest friend has been lying to me for the past month. She met a guy....a real loser. I mean the biggest drop kick on the planet kinda guy. She, like me is a big girl who struggles with self esteem. She however doesnt appear to be ready to take the bull by the horns so to speak.....so she meets a Filipino guy who clearly is interested in his meal ticket. Within 2 months they were living together...he had moved up from his shack in the dirt...LITERALLY...to her penthouse apartment on the 41st floor....LITERALLY! He doesnt earn much money..bear with me cause I sound terribly shallow.....and contributes nothing positive to her life. He works nights...gets home at 2 am and then they go out drinking....we start work at 7 in the morning. She lives on 1 hours sleep and ends up falling asleep under her desk at work whilst her teaching assistant does her job. NOW...if you love someone you see past the faults......she tells me time and time again she doesnt love him. He is literally sucking her dry!!!! To top it all off she found out he has given her Herpes.......nice guy!!!
I urged, begged and pleaded for her to get rid of him...and she finally did. Told me the whole story in amazing detail....I was so proud of her and told our close circle of friends how good it was she was finally able to look after herself. Seems she was lying. He is still living there with her and they are still together. ANd not only that .....everyone knew this but it has been kept from me. So I have been wandering around school for the past month quite literally being kept in the dark. Why? I feel betrayed, I feel humiliated, I feel embarrassed. I feel incredibly lonely. She was the closest person in the world to me.

She doesnt know I know. I am too angry and hurt to speak about it. She knows something is wrong because she keeps asking me if I am ok. I cant bring myself to talk to her about it yet. I fear I might hit her. LITERALLY. ANd so again I am finding myself sitting on my bed, not in the gym and eating! I guess I can see when I get emotional I eat. I dont know what to do about either situation. I thought posting here might help. I am forcing myself to the gym this afternoon. I also want to get into the pool and do some laps. I find swimming surprisingly calming.

Just a rant. Im a ball of confusion at the moment and really at the end of the day...feeling fatter than ever!!!!