Feeling like a little me time.

I am the mother of a pre teen. My son is 12 and I have been a single mum since he was born. Well it has felt that way. His father and I separated when he was 4, but before that, dad was never very hands on. So really I have raised my son.

He is a nice kid. Very kind, caring, sensetive...all that kind of stuff. He is also a right little S)#*!!!! Recently he saw his father. He hasnt seen his father since he was 4. And now.....for whatever reason he wants to live with his dad. Dad lives in the US. And I am torn.

Part of me wants to hold onto to him so tight and never ever let him go and tell him he is not going anywhere and doesnt he see all I have done for him and sacrificed over the years.

Part of me wants him to go.....Part of me wants me time. Wants to be alone to find me again. On this journey that I am having ...the weight loss the self love, part of me doesnt know if there is a place for a child at the moment.

I feel guilty for feeling this. I feel like such a bad mother. I feel like I should only have feelings of please dont go. I guess I dont know what to feel....or even more importantly what to do. I dont want my son to hate me...I dont want him to resent me....I dont want to miss out on important milestones...his first girlfriend, entry into High School....but I dont want him to become a man without a man around....I also dont want him to become a man like his dad.

I dont know what to do......is me time really that important anyways>???