As the day you were born.

I am a magician! I have mastered the disappearing act. I can change, shower, dress and leave the house all without once looking at my body. It's incredible! Sure I look at my face to brush my hair and apply make up, but I can make my entire body disappear. I have often thought about taking my act on the road! The newest headliner in Vegas!!!

The trick to the magic?? Well I strategically place myself where I cant ever see a full length mirror. Climbing into the shower is always sideways and twisted, because there is a mirror right next to the shower! The genius who designed my bathroom was obviously skinny! When towelling off, I have my back to the mirror and head down. When dressing, I move to the far corner of the bedroom where I cant see myself. A magician never reveals their secrets, but on this occasion I felt I needed to! I go to alot of effort NOT to look at myself.

But I thought last night....after my 3rd episode of CSI.....can you tell I love it!!! If I go to all that effort NOT to look at myself, I wonder how I would feel if I went to the same kind of effort to ACTUALLY look at myself. So........I turned the lights off and lit candles...gotta make sure you have good lighting! I locked the door. And slowly I stood in front of the full length mirror. I tried to do it without any feeling. No yucks, no oh my god that is gross, nothing but looking. It was hard. But I stood and I looked. I removed my clothes and I looked harder. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I cried. I cried for myself and for my body and for the stretch marks and for the cellulite and for all the parts I ahve not looked at for so long.

I then told myself to stop crying. Its my body. If I dont love it in this state, then I will never love it. If you can love something at its worst, then you know you can most certainly love....adore...it at its best. I cant tell you that I love my body at the moment. BUt I can tell you that I began to see it differently last night.

So here is where I hang my hat on my fabulous career as a Magician......no more disappearing act for me. Acceptance is the road I am starting to walk down now. Who knows, maybe I will be a headliner in Vegas yet..but for the right reasons.